Real Grandpa Hours
by Book Reading Nerd
Summary: Honestly do not expect much. this is the tale or at least a conversion of a DnD session I had with my friends into an actual story. mostly just trying things out. Rated T for who knows what will happen


P.o.v: Papa Dave

Life is strange. I of all people should know. I, a 50-year-old man, woke up one day able to manipulate spoons. Just spoons, nothing else. This drove me crazy and I ran, I was afraid and freaked out to say in the least, some midlife crisis this is. I stupidly abandoned my family behind me and all that I knew, because I could bend spoons, and now… well now I am in an alley. Facing the weirdest creature, I have known far, it was human? it was both male and female, how I could tell? Well when a person regardless of their gender is in an alleyway with nothing on but a trench coat and full BDSM gear you tend to assume thing.

"Hello handsome," it spoke, chills went down my spine "here to give me business?".

"No!" I exclaimed backpedaling a couple steps. Once a safe distance away I ask it. "Do you happen to know the nearest place with some soup?"

The weirdest this is that when I eat stuff with a spoon I felt stronger, weird but I guess that is what happens if you are a spoonkinetic, or at least that is what I call myself, the spoonkinetic dad. Anyway, it agrees to guide me to the nearest tavern/Inn. Apparently, its name is Paul, weird, but my name is literally Papa Dave, I cannot complain. The tavern was not that far away, which was nice. Paul kept on striking up a conversation with me as we walked, Paul turned out to be a nice person? Still not sure if it is human, I guess I will ask later. However, as soon as we entered the tavern things went south.

"WE DON'T ACCEPT YOUR KIND HERE!" the tavern owner screamed as soon as Paul walked in. rushing forward swinging his fists at Paul. As confused as I was for a man in his midlife crisis, Paul seemed nice so screw the rude bastard. Luckily the man seemed to trip, almost on nothing it seemed like. I went to grab a nearby bowl of soup but looking back a saw Paul do some weird shit.

"I summon thee small tentacle" Paul said with a weird echo in its voice. Out of seeming nowhere a tentacle came into being and started to curl around the man. I am now, and forever grateful, that I said no earlier. Regardless, I grabbed the soup and poured it upon the tavern owner's face, honestly it was satisfying. The bar owner managed to flail around a bit but could not escape the tentacle, luckily enough everyone had left the building shortly after the fight started. Honestly, I have no idea why I felt this way, I was angry for no specific reason, so I kind of body slammed the guy's head and he was out like a light. Getting up Paul looked over to me.

"Thanks" it said slapping my shoulder.

"put your weapons down! This is the guard" somebody shouted from outside. Shortly after that however a teenager no older than 13 burst in. He glared at Paul before asking

"was it you who did this" Paul is all its glorious stupidity tried to attack the guard. The guard however outright punched Paul and Paul was out, collapsed, unconscious upon the floor. The guard sighed and began to drag Paul away, probably to the jail. Seeing that I was alone in the tavern, I felt greedy, weird to say as I have never stolen a thing in my life before this, but it felt… right. I pranced around the tavern collecting anything I saw of interest and shoved them all into my fanny pack, it was basically infinite. I almost cleared out the front room of all its food and spoons. Looking down I was glad I found this fanny pack. Strange enough, I found it on my 50th birthday, the same day I found out I could bend spoons and found some other stuff like a Hawaiian shirt, cargo pants, socks, and sandals all in my room. Also, another reason for my midlife crisis. I pranced my way into the kitchen and took what I wanted, I let the tavern bastard keep his money, so nice of me. The best this I found was a giant ass spoon. It was 5ft long and looked as simple as any other spoon. Something was calling me, and it was that spoon, grabbing it I felt power like nothing before entering my body along with some knowledge

"Holy shit" I muttered, I could launch spoons too. That was awesome but looking back I realize I seem to be dissolving into some state of childish glee and lack of restraint. Anyway, I manage to fit the spoon into my fanny pack and begin to leave the kitchen. I hear a bang on the door followed by it falling from its hinges with a man lying on the door. Well fuck. Let's see if I can stay out of trouble 

P.o.v: Thadd

Today has been a shitty day, I had to arrest a pervert, dragged him off to jail and went back to my post. I stood there minding my own business when I realize I left that old guy in the weird shirt alone in the tavern with the owner.

"Shit!" the captain will have my head for this. I run full tilt to the tavern forgetting the door and try to charge in. "crap". I slammed against the door. The door fell from its hinges taking me along for the ride, well fuck. I landed, and boy was I disoriented. I heard a door? Not sure still confused. I open my eyes to see the old man trying to help the tavern owner. He looks over to me startled by my sudden appearance. Suddenly I hear a groan the tavern owner had woken up.

"What the fuck just happened? Who are you" I hear the man say.

The older man in the weird shirt just says, "the guy who helped you after that BDSM guy knocked you out".

"Oh…ok…thanks" the owner curtly nodded, getting up to continue his job.

I looked over to the old man is the shirt and ask. "Well who are you?"

"Papa Dave" he replies before continuing "you know, as it happened the tavern owner was the person who struck first"

"Really?" this brings a lot more issues to the table now, as I already arrested the pervert guy. I sighed, there really is no way I am going to get out of this easily, might as well clear this up with the captain.

"My name is Thadd, let's go set your buddy free" I replied sighing once more, this is a shitty day. I started to walk towards the jail, it also functions as the guard headquarters in this case. After another 30 minutes of waiting, I managed to get an audience with the captain, I really hope I don't get demoted for this, I just got promoted for recently too, my position could easily be switched at this point.

"Captain..." I said hesitantly.

He replied with a brief "Yes?"

"I researched more into the arrest I did earlier today, apparently the tavern owner was the one who struck first"

"really, how do you know this?" Captain replied

"Because I asked several witnesses and I brought one with me" I replied before the words got filtered by my mind. Shit! How did I forget to ask more people, I only asked Papa Dave. The captain gestured with his hand to Papa Dave, who just told what happened from the guy shouting discriminatory words to apparently Paul, the person? I locked up knocking out the tavern owner in self-defense. Captain closes his eyes and sighs.

"well, I guess we better free the innocent party, gods, the amount of paperwork this is going to result in" captain mutters under his breath. He grabs his keys and begins to lead up to the cells, as we arrive at Paul's cell, we see Paul halfway out the window and its roommate napping on his cot.

"Halt!" captain screams. Paul apparently startled falls out of the window and onto the floor. I am in shock this has never happened before how the hell were the bars bent like that! Captain fumbles around and manages to open the cell so that he can grab Paul as Paul gets up. Lunging for the window, Paul trips and knocks himself out. The commotion waking up his cellmate. As all of this happens, Papa Dave leans over to me and says

"trust me"

words that felt fatherly… caring almost something I have never felt being an orphan. Against my better judgement I decided to trust him. Bringing out this giant spoon he hovers it over his hand it briefly glows before launching forward impaling captain through the back. I stare confused with horror eventually dawning in mind. I was broken, shocked even about what happened there is only one word to explain my thoughts.

"FUCK".

End Chapter 1


End file.
